


burn

by syncopate (orphan_account)



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Bottom!Jonghyun, I Don't Even Know, I'm so sorry, Keyhyun, M/M, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, summaries what are they?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-11 08:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7883323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/syncopate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>jonghyun wants certainty that kibum cannot give.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> for @_jjongie on twitter who let me write something based off one of her tweets ^^  
> i hope it didn't turn out terrible heh

the room smells of sex. it always does now, it's like sex is the only way they know how to come close, the only way jonghyun can see kibum loose and raw. kibum pushes up and in, and jonghyun groans, raking nails down hard on kibum's shoulders. 'you're so tiny,' kibum whispers, guttural, breathless. his fingers dig into jonghyun's thighs. 'i could break you.' his voice cracks into an expletive as jonghyun clenches tight around him, and jonghyun smiles at kibum's desperate moans. 

 

'i would let you,' he wants to say, but his words are stolen away as kibum's thrust pulls him into orgasm, pleasure breaking over his skin, thoughts and words lost to sensation. 'fuck,' kibum gasps into his ear, as the orgasm bleeds away. 'fuck.' he kisses jonghyun's ear and then pulls out of him, rolling the condom off his cock. 

 

it's typical, but jonghyun averts his eyes, the latex sheath offends him, a manifestation of the layers that kibum puts between himself and other people, that prevent anyone from understanding his heart. jonghyun wants to understand his heart, wants to tug out his soul from in between his ribs, cut away all the shields. but even in sex, even when they're rutting together, skin and sweat, kibum manages to keep him out. 

 

'why do you still wear that?' he asks, and he hates that he sounds plaintive, hates that he sounds pathetic. 'i don't have any diseases, and neither do you.'

 

'what? this?' kibum lifts the used condom in his hand. 'i just like how it feels.' he turns his gaze away from jonghyun, casually flipping the condom into the bin.

 

'bullshit,' jonghyun says, softly, the way he always says these things, the things he wants kibum to realize, but is also terrified to tell him. and most of the time, kibum doesn't hear him, or pretends he doesn't. jonghyun doesn't really want kibum to hear him; the moment kibum acknowledges them, jonghyun will have to confront their issues, to try to fix them, or allow them to fall apart. he doesn't want to risk them falling apart. having kibum like this, is better than no kibum at all, right?

 

'what did you say?' kibum says, turning back to him.

 

'nothing,' jonghyun whispers. 'come back here.'

 

'go wash up first, silly,' kibum says, shaking his head. and his smile is affectionate. 

 

jonghyun wants a kibum who will cuddle with him after sex, who'll tenderly wipe him off, chase him to the shower and end up kissing under the water. he wants a kibum who will make love to him without a plastic shield. instead he has this kibum, dark, quiet, dangerous, sharp eyes and sinful mouth, who can make you desire him with a just a slight upturn of his lip. he has kibum, whose laughter is loud and obnoxious and who laughs at everything, and even if it sounds fake you can't tell what's really underneath. he has kibum who fucks him until he begs, until he forgets his name, his history, his life, everything except kibum kibum kibum. the name hanging off his tongue like poison, like drugs.

 

'you're fucked up, you know,' his best friend tells him. 'to stay with him.'

 

'fuck off, ming.' but he knows minho is right.

 

he knows what kibum is, has known since the first time they had seen each other, in the shadowy corners of a club that his wildchild younger cousin, taemin, had dragged him to. he had seen the way kibum walked, seen the prowling predator underneath the too beautiful human skin, seen the way girls would grind against him, more than just that one dance on offer. but kibum had looked over their heads and seen jonghyun, sitting in the shadows nursing a drink, and had walked up and introduced himself. and jonghyun still remembers the way kibum had leaned his hip against the edge of the table, still remembers that sliver of skin flashing out above his lowslung jeans. still remembers the way his own stomach had tightened and his mouth had turned dry.

 

it had been taemin who had found them later, heatedly making out in a corner booth, and jonghyun hadn't even felt ashamed. 

 

kibum makes him want to do things he never does, kibum makes him want to be crazy.

 

kibum _ is _ making him crazy.

 

but jonghyun had been the one who'd asked him to stay, jonghyun had been the one who opened the door, and jonghyun is the one who is still staying. addicted to the taste of kibum's mouth and skin, addicted to the maddening laugh, in thrall to the power in his eyes.

 

he hates kibum, but he loves him too. 

 

~-~

 

_ you live with me but i don't know anything about the life you lead. _

_ we sleep in the same bed but i don't know any of your dreams. _

_ last night you shifted in your sleep and you flung your arms around me _

_ and i wondered _

_ does he know who he's holding? _

 

jonghyun is lonely, it's an ache that seems to intensify even when he's with kibum. he's together with someone but completely alone. in love with a dream, obsessed with an illusion. sometimes he watches minho with his wife, watches the way they look at each other, the way they whisper private personal jokes, watches how sometimes they'll just touch, nothing sexual, just linked fingers and palms pressed close. intimacy, closeness, trust. things that jonghyun doesn't experience with kibum. they flirt and laugh and joke but he still doesn't know what lies under kibum's skin, what secrets he keeps, what dodges away beneath every blast of his laughter. kibum keeps him out with his laughter and his charm, keeps everything sacred except his body, and even that he doesn't give whole. 

 

when they started, it hadn't mattered. all he wanted was to push away kibum's clothes and get to his skin, take teeth to the flawless expanse, leave bruises, brand him and get branded in return. time turned hazy around them, every free moment caught up in finding different ways to make each other gasp and scream. sometimes jonghyun would go to work on shaky legs, mind drugged on the ecstasy of kibum, hickeys on display. eunsook would slide eyes over to him and tighten her lips, and invariably minho would call that night. it probably wasn't the best idea to be working in the same company as his best friend's wife. 

 

jonghyun thinks kibum  _ must _ love him, in some way.  _ must _ care for him, somehow. because he usually didn't stay with people, he jumped from person to person, leaving them in a whirlwind of lust and desire. taemin said so. and taemin would know, because he went to clubs far too often. 

 

'he's different about you,' taemin said. and for a while that had been enough. 

 

but now jonghyun wants more, wants to dig deeper, wants to understand the material that makes up kibum's soul, the parts of he doesn't give over, stories he covers up with too many smiles. 

 

'maybe he's a secret agent,' jonghyun tells minho and eunsook. 'maybe that's why he's so private and never wants to tell me anything real about his life.'

 

eunsook hums. 'maybe,' she agrees. she's always been a little kinder than her husband. 

 

'bullshit,' minho snorts. 'he's just fucked up. one of those people who don't ever let other people in. you're wasting your time.'

 

'i love him,' jonghyun says quietly.

 

'i know,' minho says. and his tone softens. 'but jonghyun, you need to love yourself too.'

 

'he loves me.'

 

minho doesn't answer, just looks at him. and his big eyes are sad pools of sympathy jonghyun thinks he could drown in.

 

'you never know,' eunsook says, breaking the silence. 'he might.'

 

jonghyun closes his eyes and lets his head fall on her shoulder and tries to pretend the tears leaking out from under his eyelashes aren't there.

 

~-~

 

'do you love me?' 

 

he doesn't mean to ask; it trips out of his mouth by accident. they are lying on the bed again, and he can almost feel indents in his hips from where kibum's fingers had gripped too hard. his body aches, but in a good way. his heart aches too, and that isn't as good.

 

'does that matter?' kibum's voice is lethargic.

 

'of course it does.'

 

the pause lasts too long before kibum speaks again. 'do  _ you _ love me?'

 

'of course i do!' jonghyun can feel rage tiptoeing on the edges of his voice.

 

'you answered that really quickly.'

 

'kibum…'

 

'let's not talk about the love thing. this is okay right?'

 

but i want to,  _ i _ want to. jonghyun wants to scream at him.

 

but kibum has already turned away and is apparently sleeping. 

 

i hate you, jonghyun thinks. i hate how much i want you.

 

~-~

 

it falls apart. like everything is wont to do.  _ they _ fall apart, and jonghyun watches as kibum lets it happen.

 

they don't talk about that night, when jonghyun laid his feelings bare and kibum had politely shut him out. they don't talk about what jonghyun had demanded and what kibum couldn't give. they don't talk. 

 

instead, they fuck. they fuck because jonghyun is angry and he doesn't know how to say it except in nails drawing blood from kibum's back, and teeth nipping at skin. they fuck because kibum kisses jonghyun every time he tries to bring up the conversation, and the curl of his tongue still makes jonghyun's head go blank. they fuck because jonghyun wants kibum, still wants kibum, wants him naked and hard, wants his low voice dark and throaty in his ear, wants his fingers and tongue in places that make him scream, that make him forget. wants kibum and gets him in every way. except the way to his heart.

 

'i can't do this anymore.' jonghyun sounds exhausted even to himself. 

 

kibum looks directly at him, eyebrows raised. 'do what? me?' the cocky half-smile still makes something like heat coil in jonghyun's gut. he hates himself. 

 

'no,  _ this.'  _ he waves a hand around them, the scattered clothes, the messed up bed, the two of them, unclothed and open, except where it matters most. 'us, whatever we are. i can't do this anymore.' 

 

something in kibum's eyes flickers like shock. 'okay,' he says slowly, after a beat. he reaches out for his clothing. 'i can go.' 

 

jonghyun wants to laugh, wildly, crazily. laugh like there's nothing else he knows how to do, laugh because he doesn't understand this, has never understood. 'why don't you want to fight for this? why don't you ever want to fight?' the second question is soft, almost rhetorical, and maybe kibum realizes, because he doesn't answer. 

 

'you don't have to go now,' jonghyun says wearily, when the question remains unanswered. 'you can go in the morning. it's late.' he turns away because he doesn't want to look at kibum anymore, at his collected visage, at his calm acceptance of this. calm acceptance in the face of the turmoil in jonghyun's chest. he wants kibum to scream, wants kibum to protest. he wants kibum to show him that somewhere underneath there's something that wants to keep jonghyun. 

 

'jonghyun, wait.' kibum's voice stops him in his tracks. 'where are you going?' 

 

'to sleep on the sofa.' he curses the hop his heart had made.

 

'i can do that.'

 

'no,' jonghyun says, without turning his head. 'i can't stay in there, not after-' he cuts himself off, unasked for images of kibum's face screwed up in pleasure rising to the forefront of his brain, of kibum's tongue flat against his stomach muscles, of kibum's lips wrapped around his cock.

 

'fuck,' he whispers to himself, feeling that familiar heat dive into his lower regions. he walks quickly away without finishing the sentence, letting the door close quietly behind him.

 

the next morning, when jonghyun wakes up, the bed is made, their mess cleaned up, and kibum is gone.

 

it's over, he tells himself. he pretends the tears on his cheeks are of relief.

 

~-~

 

_ when you asked me if i loved you, i didn't know the answer. when you told me you wanted to end what we had, i didn't know what to say or do, except give you what you wanted. what were we? i never answered, and you never really asked. but i could see the question in your eyes.  _

 

_ you're an open book, you know that? kim jonghyun, sings like an angel, cries at trivial things, wears his heart on his sleeve. you love me, you said. and i, i don't know what i feel for you. _

 

_ i want you. want to bury myself under your skin and imagine i could be something less empty.even now that it's all over and i have no more right to touch you, i want you. we were good together, i think. if only in the bed. but shouldn't that mean something?  _

 

_ you never liked it that i didn't talk about serious things, about my feelings. but i wasn't sure what feelings you wanted to hear about or if i even had any. i just wanted you, spread under me, needy and willing. and you wanted me too. still do, i think. _

 

_ what were you looking for, when you asked all the questions? what kind of promises were you searching for, that i couldn't give? it's over now, and there's a strange pain in my chest. i don't know what it means. _

 

_ you were meant to be just another game, just one more boy. but you let me in and asked me to stay and you were a temptation i couldn't resist. i liked being loved, liked having someone care. i stayed past my welcome maybe, that you had to ask me to go. _

 

_ i couldn't say i love you too, because i still don't know if i do. i couldn't make you promises about the future because i don't know what comes next. all i knew was i wanted you, in the here and now. day by day. why wasn't that enough? _

 

_ i think...i miss you. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 months later, one letter restarts a cycle jonghyun thinks he doesn't want to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an extension, if you liked the original ending as is, don't read this. i wrote this mostly for myself and well because i felt like the characters wanted it  
> warning: jonghyun/joon young

the sound of the door unlocking and shoes being flung off makes jonghyun reluctantly pull away from the sweet taste of joon young’s mouth. taemin, he thinks. probably shouldn’t have given him a spare key.

‘hyung! i have something for you, where are-’

taemin’s excited chatter comes to an abrupt halt as he flings open the door of jonghyun’s room. jonghyun looks up from where he’s still encased in joon young’s arms and stares at his cousin with amusement mingled with irritation.

‘oh,’ taemin says contemplatively after a beat of silence. ‘well that explains this.’ he waves a white envelope in the air.

‘what’s that, taem?’ jonghyun ignores the fact that joon young’s hands are still up against his back under his shirt, the man himself frowning in mock exasperation, fingers running up and down the knobs of jonghyun’s spine.

‘a letter from key,’ taemin says. he glances at joon young once and then looks away. ‘but that’s not important! i’ll just leave this here and you go back and do whatever or whoever and yeah..’ he makes to back out of the room.

‘who’s key?’ jonghyun asks calmly. taemin pauses at the question and cocks his head to the side.

‘kibum?’

under taemin’s knowing eyes, jonghyun flinches and he knows if joon young hadn’t seen that, he would’ve felt the way jonghyun’s body stiffens. kibum. a name he hasn’t heard for nearly half a year.

‘when did he start calling himself key?’ he’s glad his voice doesn’t waver.

‘he always has,’ taemin says, gaze fixed on the desk where he’s placed the envelope. 'when he first came to the club, he was a dj. and he went by key. so everyone called him that. you didn’t know?’ the question is rhetorical, and despite himself, something in jonghyun’s chest cracks, another part of his life kibum had hidden away.

'anyway,’ taemin continues. 'i’m going to just leave this here. you go back to your kissing or whatever. next time i’ll call first! sorry! bye!’ he crashes out of the room, slamming the door behind him, and the silence he leaves behind is a thick smoke. joon young’s hands slowly slide away from jonghyun’s skin.

'i’m sorry,’ jonghyun’s voice is subdued. 'i forgot i gave him a spare key.’

'kibum?’ joon young asks, and his voice sounds too cautious. 'the one who broke your heart?’

'yes,’ jonghyun answers. 'but it’s over now.’

'is it?’

yes is what jonghyun should say.

yes is exactly what cannot come out of his mouth.

not really is probably more accurate. _i loved him and then i told him to go and he left me without fighting. and sometimes i still wish he had fought._

'remember when we first started?’ joon young asks. he smiles down at jonghyun, and perched on his lap, jonghyun feels too small. 'you said what you liked best was how honest i was. you said honesty and openness were what you wanted in a person.’

'i want you to read the letter, and i want you to figure this out. i saw something on your face i’ve never seen before when taemin said his name.’

he kisses jonghyun on the forehead. 'i’m not giving up. don’t worry. i’ll fight him for you.’

jonghyun laughs. 'he’s never fought for me.’

'then doesn’t that make everything easier?’

jonghyun laughs harder. 'i really like you,’ he says.

'the feeling is mutual,’ joon young says. he brushes his mouth over jonghyun’s and quietly lets himself out.

~-~

_jonghyun,_

_i don’t know why i’m writing this, or if it’ll ever get to you. i wonder what you’ll think if you get this, if you’re still angry like you were the last time i saw you. six months ago. i hope you’re not._

_you’re the words person of the two of us. i never talked. not about anything serious. i’m sure that’s what you think. and you’d be right. i don’t like being honest. or open about feelings. it’s…scary. you leave your heart on the line like that and you get hurt._

_so i kept mine safe. but i got hurt anyway. by you. because you got hurt by me. isn’t life strange?_

_i didn’t know how to give you what you wanted, and i still don’t. i don’t know what i want, writing this letter, making a plan to give it to taemin._

_i think i wanted to tell you i miss you. it probably doesn’t matter. and this is probably too late._

_but, kim jonghyun, wears his heart on his sleeve, voice like an angel. so soft, so loving, so open._

_i miss you._

_that’s all i wanted to say._

_kibum_

~-~

'that’s all i wanted to say,’ jonghyun repeats mockingly. 'fuck you kim kibum, i was happy.’ and yet perhaps the fact that one single letter is enough to make his head spin; one single line. it tells a different kind of story.

jonghyun wishes he was a different person, less open less loving less soft. someone who could crush this piece of paper and throw it out, go back to joon young and forget about the maybes and should have beens and _why didn’t he say all this six months ago, why?_ his fist involuntarily clenches and the paper is crushed anyway.

he knows that if kibum had said all that six months before, he’d have turned around and given his heart over again. and maybe kibum would have broken it again and maybe he would be back here again. but maybe they would have had a real relationship before it ended.

maybe that has always been the only thing he’s looking for.

joon young is a real relationship. isn’t he? then why is it sometimes jonghyun finds himself wishing for brash laughter, piercing eyes and high cheekbones? why does he sometimes wish for different lips, slimmer fingers, rougher touch? why does kibum’s smile still float to the front of his brain when he isn’t aware?

closure, he tells himself. he just needs that.

closure.

he runs a hand over his face and calls taemin.

~-~

'you want to meet him?’

'what else did you think would happen after giving me a fucking letter?’

'i don’t know?’ taemin sounds legitimately surprised. 'you accusing me of forging his writing? or screwing with you? you would do that you know.’

jonghyun is silent for a moment. 'i still recognize his handwriting,’ he admits quietly.

’do you?’

when jonghyun says nothing in reply, taemin continues, musingly. 'he’s been…odd these few months. more desperate. he’d kiss people too easily. but never really went further than a kiss. it’s like…he was…looking for something.’

taemin pauses and when no acknowledgement comes from jonghyun, he asks, 'what happened between the two of you?’

jonghyun sucks in a sharp breath, and hangs up.

~-~

that night he goes to the club where he first saw kibum, knowing that taemin has a family dinner. but he doesn’t find kibum. and the same holds true for the rest of the week.

~-~

'you’re a masochist,’ minho declares. eunsook pokes him in the side and he squeaks. 'it’s true!’

jonghyun laughs softly. 'you might not be wrong, for once.’

'i am always right,’ minho declares, crossing his arms.

'i really doubt that,’ eunsook says, laughing.

'do not distract me while i cross examine my best friend!’

jonghyun laughs. 'i’m glad i have you.’

minho looks at him, and his gaze is gentle. 'but you’re not going to listen, right?’

jonghyun looks away. 'i just need to see him.’

'what about joon young?’ eunsook asks.

'we’re fine,’ jonghyun replies. 'this is just closure.’

minho looks at him from over eunsook’s head and his eyes are quiet and knowing, but he doesn’t say anything. and jonghyun thinks he doesn’t deserve minho, not really, not at all.

~-~

i have a boyfriend, jonghyun tells himself, as he knocks on the door to taemin’s apartment. i have a boyfriend, i’m happy, he’s great. it doesn’t matter that someone i used to love wrote me a letter. it shouldn’t matter.

but it does.

it’s starting again, the spell that only kibum can cast over him, the one that makes him want kibum to the exclusion of everything else. he should be over it, he’d thought he was. it’s humiliating that kibum could lure him back with just a few words written. humiliating that despite being aware of it, he’s letting it happen. and as despicable as it all is, jonghyun really wants to see kibum again, see his face, hear his voice, touch his skin.

it’s fucked up, and even knowing that, he wants it.

joon young doesn’t deserve this. jonghyun laughs bitterly to himself, and wonders how deep underneath his skin kibum had burrowed, that he would sacrifice stability and contentment for a glimpse of insanity.

i have a boyfriend, he repeats, but even to himself it sounds weak.

'i haven’t forgiven you for hanging up on me,’ taemin says when he opens the door, raising narrowed eyes in jonghyun’s direction.

'i’m sorry,’ jonghyun says, running his hand through his hair. 'i’ll buy you a meal?’

the beam that immediately lights on taemin’s lips is blinding. 'yes! meat please.’

jonghyun stares at him, slightly thrown by the quick switch of mood. 'you weren’t really mad, were you?’

'nope!’ taemin grins. 'i just wanted to guilt you into a meal.’

'devious.’ jonghyun shakes his head, laughing.

'i’ll help you look for kibum too,’ taemin continues, eyes trained on jonghyun’s face. and jonghyun stops laughing.

'how did you-’

'you’ve always been easy to read, hyung.’

jonghyun’s gaze dances away, choosing to settle on the slightly battered up second hand sofa that taemin never wanted to give up.

'what about that other guy?’

the other guy. joon young. boyfriend of a couple of months. someone who makes him laugh, makes him feel loved, someone he’s simply happy to be around, someone he could spend a lifetime with. probably. 'he’s fine with this,’ jonghyun says finally.

'really?’ taemin’s voice is gently probing and jonghyun hates it.

'this is just closure,’ jonghyun insists.

closure. he’s used the word too often recently. with minho, with himself, in imaginary conversations with joon young, and now with taemin.

'okay,’ taemin says. but his tone doesn’t sound okay at all.

'okay,’ jonghyun repeats, and he knows he doesn’t sound it at all.

~-~

joon young comes by that night and they eat and watch a few shows. he doesn’t mention the letter or kibum, and jonghyun doesn’t either. it feels like a weight between them, it feels like guilt.

he stays over and jonghyun lets him, and it is like it always is. except even with joon young’s arms locked around his waist, late in the night, jonghyun’s mind drifts away from him to kibum, and the words of that letter.

honesty and openness. that’s what he said he wanted. but somehow with the reappearance of one person, too many secrets have started forming under the surface.

like a parasite, he thinks. and when he laughs, it is soft, because he doesn’t want joon young to wake up, doesn’t know how to explain.

~-~

'i shouldn’t have given you that letter,’ taemin says. 'i shouldn’t be helping you right now.’ they’re sitting in a cafe that kibum apparently goes to every saturday.

'the right thing to do,’ he continues. 'would be to tell you to go back to joon young, and trash the letter. but the part of me that enjoys watching trainwrecks really wanted to know what happens next.’

'hyung,’ he says solemnly. 'don’t do this, you might burn.’

'i already did,’ jonghyun says, and it should sound sad, it should be sad, but he never really regretted burning up under kibum’s touch. not until the end.

a voice that is too strikingly familiar interrupts whatever his cousin wants to say in response.

'taemin?’

jonghyun freezes, because even after all these months, the exact timbre of kibum’s voice still makes his heart clench.

'key,’ taemin looks up, gaze focusing just behind jonghyun’s head, and jonghyun wants to turn around, wants to run his fingers over kibum’s mouth, try to touch the syllables coming out from it. but he also wants to run.

'never seen you here before,’ kibum sounds cordial, polite, almost sweet.

'my cousin wanted to come,’ taemin says, his eyes move to stare at jonghyun’s, and kibum’s subsequent intake of breath is audible.

'i’m just going to go,’ he says, too quick.

'that would be the clever thing to do,’ taemin remarks. but jonghyun isn’t listening anymore. he stands and turns and kibum freezes when their gazes meet. just before the mask is pulled up over his face again, jonghyun sees something soft and yearning in kibum’s eyes. and then it’s gone, replaced by hardness and arrogance.

'hi,’ kibum says.

'hello,’ jonghyun replies.

'i really shouldn’t have done this,’ taemin whispers from behind them.

'how have you been?’ kibum asks.

'good,’ jonghyun says. 'i’m dating someone.’ he doesn’t know why he says that.

'really?’ kibum’s expression is stoic. 'good for you. i hope you’re happy.’ his eyes dart from place to place, like a bird without a roost.

'i should go.’

'why did you write that letter?’

their sentences are clashing notes, dissonant sounds, broken harmony. kibum looks at jonghyun and there is fear in his eyes, and it doesn’t disappear.

'what letter?’ he asks, voice soft. and jonghyun hates violence, always speaks against violence, but in that moment he wants to punch kibum so hard his teeth fly out of his gums.

'you haven’t changed, have you.’ it’s not a question. jonghyun closes his eyes briefly against the pressure of unexpected tears. he will not cry over kibum, not again.

'let’s go, taemin,’ he says, turning his back to kibum. 'you were right, i shouldn’t have done this.’

taemin nods mutely, eyes wandering over to kibum, and jonghyun resists the temptation to turn back, to shake kibum, to demand answers. instead he grips taemin’s shoulder and guides him to the door.

'jjong!’ the sound is a strained cry, and it holds a strange desperation that jonghyun has never heard in kibum’s voice before. he stops just outside the cafe, his heart beating too hard in his chest. it feels like a sin, but maybe kibum has always been his favourite kind of sin.

'hyung,’ taemin says quietly. 'you’re hopeless.’ it isn’t cruel, it sounds almost like taemin has come to a realization.

'maybe i am,’ jonghyun replies. he’s gone too far down this path to stop himself now.

kibum stops at the glass door, gaze flickering in search and when he sees jonghyun, he almost turns away. then he pushes through and stands just in front of jonghyun.

'don’t talk,’ kibum says, his eyes are fixed on the floor near their feet. 'i didn’t think you’ll ever read it. i wrote it because i was sure you wouldn’t once you knew who it was from. i didn’t think you’ll look for me even if you did read it. i called you once. you blocked my number.’

jonghyun remembers doing that in a fit of rage, erasing kibum’s number, erasing all the pictures, blocking everything that reminded him.

kibum takes a shaky breath. 'i wrote it because i missed you. i never told you i loved you but i didn’t know if i did. i just wanted to keep you with me, make you laugh, listen as you talk about your day. i wanted your body close to mine, but i never realized i wanted more than that, until you asked me to leave. i’m selfish, i wanted to keep you without giving you what you wanted. i wrote it because i wanted another try. i never wanted that before. but you said you’re seeing someone. i hope he makes you happy?’

jonghyun doesn’t answer, he just lifts his hand and cradles kibum’s cheek, and when kibum closes his eyes and leans into the touch, he finds himself wishing he was free. then kibum takes a step back, and breaks the moment, brushing a fist across his eyes. 'i should go,’ he says. 'i’m sorry.’

i’ll call you, jonghyun wants to say. but he doesn’t have the right to say that. he watches kibum’s back as he walks away, and there is too much twisting in his chest.

'this is worse than a soap opera,’ taemin comments, but his voice isn’t snarky. 'what are you going to do now?’

'i don’t know,’ jonghyun says, his lips forming a sad smile. 'let’s go home.’

~-~

the creak of the door draws jonghyun out of his stupor and a glance at the clock tells him he’s late.

'hey,’ joon young says, letting himself in. 'you still not ready? the reservation’s at 6:30.’

reservation at an expensive restaurant for their almost three month anniversary. that jonghyun completely forgot.

'did you forget?’ joon young asks, and his usually good natured face reveals a bit of exasperation.

'i’m sorry,’ jonghyun says, and he isn’t just talking about the dinner.

'it’s fine,’ joon young says, tugging at his tie with brittle movements. 'it’s just a dinner. if you change quickly, we can probably still make it.’

'no.’ jonghyun shakes his head. 'i saw kibum today.’

joon young huffs out a breath. 'well, i knew that would happen eventually. what did he want?’

'he wanted another chance.’ jonghyun looks at his boyfriend, watches as irritation chases impatience across his face.

'what did he say when you told him no?’

jonghyun smiles almost sympathetically. to have this kind of confidence in one’s partner was a beautiful thing. 'i didn’t,’ he admits.

the silence is only a few seconds long, but it’s enough to take breath from his lungs.

'i’m sorry,’ joon young says, with excessive politeness. 'i think i misheard you.’

'i said, i didn’t. he wants another chance and i didn’t say no.’ jonghyun repeats himself slowly.

'i’m sorry,’ he says again.

joon young looks at him in confusion and incredulity. 'are you breaking up with me?’

'yes,’ jonghyun says, with a conviction that he never expected. 'i’m sorry. he wants another chance and i want to give it to him, and it’s unfair but it is what it is.’

'why are you crawling back to the person who broke you?’

when jonghyun smiles, it’s a resigned one, helpless. 'because i realize i rather be broken with him, than whole with anyone else.’

joon young laughs suddenly. and it’s a shock. 'what was i then? a distraction? a joke? someone to help you fix yourself enough to run back to him?’

'no,’ jonghyun says, reaching out. 'i really do like you. i-’

'it just wasn’t enough.’ joon young avoids his touch. 'you played me. i thought you were serious. but i was just a placeholder until you could get him back.’

'no! i didn’t know he would come back, i didn’t know he would want to. i didn’t know _i_ would want him to.’ but the last sentence is a lie. and joon young laughs like he knows it is.

'you said you never wanted to be like him, never wanted to hide yourself from your partner. you said you wanted open honesty. but when it comes down to it, you aren’t any better than him, are you? maybe you two deserve each other.’

'don’t call me.’ he slams out of the room and the resounding silence hurts.

jonghyun lets out a heavy breath. kim kibum, he thinks. you can still fuck me over.

~-~

three weeks later, jonghyun finds himself at the same cafe he last saw kibum at. he hopes taemin’s sources are right, that kibum visits every week. he wonders what kibum orders, what he likes best about this place, wonders if they really can have a real relationship, one that doesn’t center around skin against skin and broken sighs. although, he muses. that had been very very good. he smiles a little at the memory.

once kibum had gotten home late, and jonghyun had tried to stay up and wait. he had fallen asleep on the sofa before kibum got back. but the next morning, he had woken up to kibum curled up beside him, and a blanket over them both. it had been a surprisingly tender moment, and one that wasn’t ever repeated.

jonghyun wonders if kibum regretted that moment, if it’s one of the times he accidentally left his heart on the line. he wonders if he just threw away his only chance at happiness. kibum is a drug, he thinks. but maybe he’s just my addiction.

when the bell at the door rings, on an instinct he looks up. kibum is there, staring at him with wide, round eyes. just for an instant, before he shutters up his emotions again and turns to join the queue at the counter, but jonghyun knows what’s under the mask now.

'what’s nice here?’ he asks, coming up to kibum from behind.

'depends on what kind of coffee you like,’ kibum replies, still staring at the menu.

'i don’t like coffee,’ jonghyun says, and kibum laughs.

'i know,’ he says quietly. he turns around and looks at jonghyun, a single eyebrow raised. 'why are you here, jjong?’

his tone is disarmingly gentle.

'i’m not used to this kind of kibum,’ jonghyun quips.

'well,’ kibum says. 'he’s trying to stick around longer.’

jonghyun reaches forward, touches kibum’s hand and interlaces their fingers. he’s never done that before. kibum’s arm stiffens, but he doesn’t move away. jonghyun leans forward and whispers into kibum’s ear. 'i missed you too. i didn’t want to, but i did.’ kibum shivers lightly at his words, then pulls his hand away from jonghyun.

but before jonghyun can react, kibum fully turns, throws his arms around jonghyun’s neck and kisses him on the mouth. right there in full view of everyone in the cafe.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry?


End file.
